Communication

How to Manage Difficult Conversations

Use self-awareness and empathy to reduce a stressful situation and turn conflict into engagement.

By Tom Goodell, Minneapolis

You’re facing an angry patient who is “absolutely certain” your office made a mistake on her bill. You must tell a sales representative that the practice is purchasing a competitor’s device. Or, you meet with a co-worker to discuss his performance, including issues with tardiness.

Difficult conversations: they’re as inevitable as the weather. And, it seems, just as impossible to manage or predict. So people often avoid them, figuring it’s better to not have a conversation at all than to have one that goes badly. It can seem that these are the only two possibilities.

Ophthalmic practices have many of the factors that produce difficult conversations at work—demanding schedules; patients experiencing difficult emotions; people working closely together under stress; and sometimes staff members with strong personalities that clash. But the two skills of awareness and understanding can transform a conversation that would otherwise result in hurt feelings and misunderstanding into one that produces trust and collaboration.

Avoid a “Winning” Strategy

Conversations become difficult when they evoke strong emotions and the feeling that there has to be a winner and a loser. In any conversation, once you feel there must be a winner and a loser, the natural instinct to win will kick in. This will almost certainly trigger the same response in the other person.

Mary, a clinic nurse who struggled with conflict, said that for years her conversations with coworkers often escaped into arguments that went unresolved. She was unhappy with this pattern, but was unable to change it.

To avoid having conversations disintegrate into win/lose conflicts you must replace the emotional drive to win with an emotional drive to understand. Just as one person competing to win can drive the other person to try to win, speaking from a desire to understand can influence the other person to do the same. It’s easier said than done, but when the skills of awareness and understanding are used, the result is effective conversations.

Awareness Beyond Thoughts and Words

Awareness is the ability to notice, and accurately interpret, what is happening in your self and in others. What is happening refers not just to what you are thinking and saying, but to your emotional and physical states, including your feelings, posture, facial expression and breathing. Often a simple change in just one of these can calm a heightened emotion and help you see more clearly and speak more effectively.

Noticing your emotional and physical states is not always easy—especially when emotions are running high. An effective practice for developing this ability is to reflect on the emotions and physical sensations you experienced during difficult conversations. Ask yourself: where was my breath? What muscles were tense? How was I feeling and what was I thinking?

Learning From Awareness

As you review your inner state you will find patterns in your breathing, your muscle tension, your thoughts and feelings. This awareness serves two purposes: first, these patterns let you know that you are getting into emotionally charged territory and are at risk of falling into a “me vs. them” frame of mind. The next time they arise you are more likely to notice them early in the conversation.

Second, by shifting these patterns you can shift your emotional state to one that is more effective. If your breathing gets shallow and fast, change it to deep and slow. If you tense up certain muscles, relax them. This process is known as centering. When you are centered it is far easier to let go of your desire to win, and instead practice patience while engaging your desire to understand. Centering enables active listening — paying full attention to what is being said, rather than letting your mind race ahead to when you can jump in with your own thoughts.

As you shift your emotional state, curiosity becomes a powerful tool. Curiosity questions are aimed at discovering what is important to the person you are speaking with. You might ask “Help me understand what you’d like out of this conversation.” or “What did I do that led to your concern?” Paraphrasing is also effective—“What I’m hearing you say is…”

Sincerity Is Key

The key to these techniques is that they must be sincere. If they are spoken manipulatively, the person you are speaking with will sense that and become defensive, but if you are honestly trying to understand, these questions can defuse emotions and build trust. Through self-awareness you can let go of your own personal triggers and sincerely focus on the other person. And that makes you more aware of them and their true concerns.

Developing the ability to be self-aware, to manage your emotions, and to focus on understanding can strengthen trust, reduce stress, and improve collaboration. Emotions are contagious, so if you shift yours, there’s a good chance the other person’s will shift as well.

It Only Takes One

While it’s great when both people in a conversation have these skills, they can have a powerful impact when just one person is using them.

Mary, the nurse mentioned earlier, worked hard at becoming self-aware and shifting her focus to understanding. She said that as she became skilled her conversations changed: “I realized that often I was misinterpreting what someone was saying, and once I understood, it no longer angered me.

“Other times I was interpreting them properly and what they said angered me, but I was able to calm my anger and ask questions. One of my coworkers told me he could no longer stay mad at me, because I stayed so calm. Life is better!” OP

Mr. Goodell is president and founder of Integrated Knowledge Systems, Inc. IKS’ focus is on helping leaders develop cultures of high performance that last. Tom can be reached at tom.goodell@iks-inc.com or 612-385-8914.