Communications

State of Mind: Improving Interpersonal Relations in Your Office

Consider this method to reduce skirmishes and improve office morale and productivity.

By Derek Preece, Orem, Utah

How much time do you spend distracted by interpersonal problems among your team members? How much less stress would you feel if your coworkers got along better and treated one another with more respect? The root of much of the conflict between coworkers is a lack of understanding regarding appropriate methods of communication and interaction in the workplace. While there is no perfect answer or solution to the problem, we are often inspired by new or different communication tools.

The psychologist Eric Berne created a method for analyzing and changing interpersonal interactions. An understanding of his work can help employees learn appropriate ways of dealing with one another. This article introduces the principles behind Berne's method and explores the basis of three primary communication styles. It also explains how employees can alter their communication style to get coworkers to respond more favorably to their interactions with them.

States of Mind

According to Dr. Berne, all of us have three “states of mind” we use in our daily interactions with others: 1) the parent, 2) the child, and 3) the adult. These three categories have nothing to do with age or whether we actually are parents. They are based on “recordings” that arise out of the influence of past experiences and are replayed in our minds and expressed in our current actions and reactions. Everybody has the ability to be influenced by any of the three modes—parent, child, or adult—at any given time.

Most of us favor one mode over the other two, but it is rare to find someone who always stays in one state of mind. In fact, most people can switch from one state to another almost instantly. While none of these three states is inherently bad (each one is appropriate at certain times), problems arise when our communication is influenced by the wrong state of mind in the wrong situation.

These are the three states of mind and the differing origins and characteristics of each:

■ The parent: The parent mode reflects all of our experiences relating to learned values and authoritative attitudes. When expressed verbally, the parent state of mind is often:

• Judgmental• Critical
• Absolute

For example, if early in life we “recorded” the message that saving money is desirable and that unwise spending is wrong, we will tend to disapprove of those whom we see as being undisciplined in their purchasing habits. Likewise, if we have been programmed to view diligent work as a virtue, we tend to be judgmental of those who are not as hardworking as we think they should be.

■ The child: The child state of mind is a recording of our internal, emotional reactions to experiences from our childhood. For example, some of us may be highly sensitive to criticism because of early experiences of frequent disapproval and harsh criticism. In essence, the recordings of these emotional reactions to the criticism we received are replayed when we receive feedback or criticism later in life. Because the child state of mind consists of emotional recordings, it tends to be:

• Impulsive• Untrained
• Self-indulgent
• Rebellious
• Aggressive

■ The adult: The adult state of mind is a thinking state that enables us to objectively evaluate the learned values in the parent mode and the emotional reactions in the child state of mind and to choose our actions based on those evaluations. Remember, the term “adult” in this instance does not refer to age; rather it refers to a specific state of mind that allows us to decide objectively whether to act upon the recordings in the parent and child states of mind.

The following example may serve to clarify how the adult state of mind works. Many of the values recorded in the internal parent are beneficial to us; however, some of the parent attitudes we acquire are not necessarily appropriate in all circumstances. Many of us heard our parents or other authority figures say something similar to this at the dinner table: “Eat everything on your plate, or you won't get any dessert.” The adult can decide whether that value recorded in the parent state of mind is valid. The adult state of mind can help decide that it is in fact not a healthy idea to eat everything on our plate. The adult may decide that it is better to take smaller portions so that no food is wasted or that we should stop eating when we are satisfied, even if it means leaving some food uneaten.

The adult state of mind also can decide whether it is reasonable or not to react from our child state of mind. For example, if the child has a strong negative reaction to giving a presentation in front of a group of people, the adult can override that emotional reaction based on an objective appraisal that there really is nothing to fear. (Even when the adult has convinced us there is nothing to fear, the emotional reaction may still be quite strong and may take considerable time and conscious effort to overcome.) Although we may not have realized it at the time, virtually all of us have experienced our objective, adult “voice” overriding an inappropriate emotional reaction fueled by outdated childhood messages.

Appropriate State of Mind

The adult mode should be the most frequent state of mind in day-to-day dealings with coworkers because it communicates respect for others and helps us avoid the problems that arise when others feel disrespected. For example, an expression reflecting the judgmental parent state of mind (“Why don't you ever do your job correctly?”) shows disrespect and will cause interpersonal clashes. Likewise, a child comment (“That's not my job. Don't expect me to do it!”) is a precursor to peer-to-peer tensions. On the other hand, two individuals who stay in the adult state of mind while engaging in a conversation, even one involving differences of opinion, will avoid the morale-damaging quarrels that infect many office interactions.

Improve Workplace Interactions: Examples

In order to improve the quality of your own workplace interactions, it is important to become aware of how your communication style might impact others. From which state of mind do you tend to speak to your peers? How are your messages received by them? Using the information in this article will help you gain the awareness needed to identify ways to improve your communication style. The sample parent, child and adult phrases in the accompanying box (see page 24) can help you identify which state of mind you use in different situations.

You will find that coworkers sometimes approach you in their parent or child mode and that you will need to use your adult state of mind to bring the interaction back to a respectful place. Here are several examples:

Coworker: “You never get all of the appointment reminder calls made before the end of the day.” (This person is using their judgmental parent state of mind.)

You could answer using your child mode: “Well, nobody helped me file the charts; and besides, why do I always have to make the reminder calls?”

This approach will likely result in increased frustration on your part and more disrespect from your coworker. Try ignoring the judgmental attitude of your coworker's parent mode and use your objective adult state of mind instead:

“It's been a very busy afternoon. Let's take a few minutes tomorrow and create a plan for how we can get those calls done even when things get crazy at the front desk.”

Using your adult state of mind will encourage an adult-to-adult conversation that will lessen tensions and conflict between you and your coworker.

Here's an example of using your adult frame of mind when someone approaches you in their child mode:

Coworker: “I just can't get all of the new patient charts prepared by the end of the day. It's too much work. I can't believe I'm the one who has to do that every day.”

This person is reacting emotionally in their child state of mind. Responding in your parent mode—”Oh, just suck it up and do your job.”—will only serve to exacerbate the conflict. Instead, answer in your adult state:

“When I used to do that, I found that it was a challenge also. I did, however, find it easier to accomplish if I followed a specific process. Tomorrow, when you're ready to assemble the charts, let me know and I will show you how I organized that work.”

Practice Your Adult Mode

To learn more about how to respond to others in your adult mode, listen carefully to conversations in the office, at home, and even in public settings. Where there is conflict, identify which of the three modes the participants are using, and then see if you can imagine an adult response that would help diffuse the tension that parent and child interactions tend to create. You will find that the more you practice this skill, the easier it becomes and the less conflict you have in all aspects of your life.

As a result, you will benefit by experiencing a decrease in workplace stress and an increase in the time available for pursuits more productive than handling staff conflicts. In practices where these principles are taught to and utilized by all team members, there can be a dramatic decrease in interpersonal skirmishes with the direct result being higher staff morale and greatly increased productivity for the practice. OP

Derek Preece is a principal and senior consultant with BSM Consulting, an internationally recognized health care consulting firm headquartered in Incline Village, Nevada and Scottsdale, Arizona. For more information about the author, BSM Consulting, or content/resources discussed in this article, please visit the BSM Café at www.BSMCafe.com.